Forever Passions, Strangled Goals or Birds in Flight?
December 29, 2022 5 min 20 sec read/listen
In January 2020, right before the pandemic descended upon us, I met a huge goal that I had set for myself in my acting career. I booked a fun, fabulous, series regular role on a new show that I was beyond excited to be a part of, and it had a three year contract. It would instantly free me up financially. It would be fun. I would be working with fantastic creatives. It was my goal come true.
A few days later I got an email from my agent: “Jenn, I feel sick telling you this…” She went on to say that the highest level executives of the production company weren’t in agreement with the other producers and director, and they were pulling mine and a few other actors’ offers off the table.
In that moment, I too felt sick.
I gave myself a timeline to be pissed off, to grieve, to whirl around in “why? why?” and then I reminded myself this was happening for me, not to me. I choose to believe that, and I've been thinking that way for a number of years. We don't always know the why or the what about things that don't work out or deeply disappoint us, but I like to believe that things happen for me.
So, I moved on. But I kept the goal. But I moved on - or, so I told myself. So here we are now, and a few weeks ago, I was on our weekly group coaching call with my own coach, Catherine Farquharson. I coach, I have a coach, she has a coach, that person has a coach and so on and so on.
I didn't intend to, but I raised my hand and I jumped into the hot seat, which is live coaching right there. And oh, it makes your heart pound. And as I started to speak, tears came and my throat closed. I was talking about my unmet big goal for my acting career. Now, I have a long list of incredible things that have happened this year and over the years that I acknowledge and I have tons of gratitude for - for my personal life, in my acting career, in my coaching business, many things.
And yet, there is this acting goal, this series regular that I've been holding and wanting so badly. And here I am at the end of 2022 and it's still not met. “What the fuck?” I said. Apologies if my language offends. “Do I just toss this goal?” I said. “It's been with me for so long. When is it going to happen? Do I just give up and say ‘Well, Jenn, you tried.’?“
And as the words were spewing out of my mouth, a voice in me said, “Don't you dare give up, Jenn.”
Who listening to me now, has been here? You have a dream or passion, and it hasn't been fully realized, and yet there is this burning in you that won't let it go, that won't let you walk away from it.
Then Catherine said, “A passion is for life. There's no timeline and there's no grasping.”
Oh, my goodness. I was grasping. Actually, I was strangling my goal. And then out of my mouth came the story of the role I booked in 2020, the dream that came true. And in that hot seat moment, I realized that I was living in the ‘I almost had it and then it got taken away’ story.
Our stories. Wow. We can latch on to one story and make it the only truth, and often that truth doesn't help us. And I had done just that. But there is another story I actually did book it. I actually did receive the offer. I did meet the goal. Why it didn't work out for me and the others we’ll never know.
Where it got tricky is when I latched on to what didn't happen. The trauma of it, the loss, versus the win, the offer, the booking. My goal had become weighed down with the win and then the loss of it. It didn't stand a chance. I was strangling it and yet I had to have it. And I thought I had moved on.
Then Catherine invited me to let my goal be held in my open heart and open palms gently, and to see it as the beautiful thing that it is. And then I saw an image of a tiny bird, my goal in my palm. And my only job was to feed her, give her water, keep her safe. And when the right current, a gentle breeze comes along and gives lift to her wings, my job then is to say, “yes, girl, go fly!”
I see now that it's actually not about a specific series regular, but about being an artist, creating and acting in meaningful characters that I can develop and play, working with artists I can co-create with. And it's about being a woman who lives my passions and who, here in her fifties, could be someone to inspire others to believe in their dreams - at any age.
So we're on the cusp of a new year, possibly new goals, maybe some old goals. I have three things to say to you:
Don't you dare give up on your goal or what you are passionate about.
Two, a passion is forever.
Three, are you strangling your goal or can you now open your heart and your palms and hold that goal gently?
Go forth, little birds. Spread those wings. I'll be right beside you.
I'm Jenn. I'm a professional actor, writer and a life coach. I help people discover how truly accessible and powerful loving ourselves is for our life and for living our dreams. We are here to fly. If you want to talk to me about my coaching or any of my offers, just reach out. I'm here.
Jenn
Photography by AnnieSpratt.com
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