January 19, 2023 4 min 50 sec read/listen

GET BIGGER! GET BIGGER!

These were the words my friend Dave said to his now wife, my friend Darby, when they began dating in their fifties. He stood there in his six-foot-something-very-tall frame, long arms wide open, big smile, looking at Darby and shouting, “Get bigger! I want to know all of you!”

I mean, wow, that's one hell of an invitation.

Let me tell you a bit about Darby: She wears bright colors. She has a big, generous, infectious laugh. Her eyes focus with intent when she listens; You never doubt she's listening to you. If it wasn't for her clothing - the skin and bones that cover her heart - you'd be blinded by the light in her. She is incredibly self-expressive, open minded, super interesting. Can have the most brave conversations (I love our conversations with the three of us).

She gives amazing hugs and is a lover of art and music and dancing like no one is watching, even when they are. She's a beautiful spirit who, together with Dave - I'm pretty sure you got a good idea of who he is just from that opening line, they have curated a home full of art, color, fabrics, joy and meaning. Not to mention their unbelievably beautiful garden, which is like a symphony of color and silent arias of life. I mean, I'm not exaggerating here. These two are light. It's probably why we're such good friends.

When they began dating, Darby was just on the other side of her own divorce from a long term relationship. And, as often happens, the view from the other side offered clarity to her on the ways she'd become so small over the years within herself. How she'd tucked away her passions, made her laugh just that much more quiet, dampened her self-expression. Even her clothes seemed a little toned down. She still smiled, and she wasn't completely compromised, but she was a smaller, quieter and maybe even sadder version of herself.

Who listening can relate to this? I sure can.

It can happen to anyone over time and often we aren't even aware of it until one day you wake up and wonder where the hell you've gone? It takes courage for sure to first look and see the ways we may have tucked ourselves away for someone else or in response to some situations, or life. And it takes a willingness to try and a decision to come back to what lights us up, to what we are passionate about, what we love to do, and how we express who we are. Even if it's in the smallest ways. It takes courage because we will be met with opinions and judgment and potentially a hell of a lot of resistance from others.

But if we can remember that that's their discomfort within themselves, we can take one step in another and another in the practice of untucking ourselves. As soon as we step out of the agreement to be smaller, to keep others comfortable in our presence, we're going to change the dynamic. But it has to happen if we want to wake up within ourselves, if we want to come back to ourselves.

I like to think of it as a practice because it removes the pressure for “getting it right” or “getting it done”. Practice feels open and inviting and generous.

They've been together for more than 20 years and I've never forgotten the story of them. I tell it to a lot of my coaching clients and I never, ever get tired of it.

And to this day, Dave will still stand there in his grand, taking-up-space self with his arms wide open to Darby and say, “Get bigger, get brighter!” He's even said it to me a number of times and I gotta say, it lights me up to have that kind of acceptance and space and openness. I mean, the thing about Darby is she was going to find her light no matter what, but it sure helps to have someone in your corner saying, “Get bigger, get brighter!” To be offered so much room. To be, well…your truest and fullest you.

But - or I should say and - what about us with us? You with you? Me with me? Where could we bring a little more Dave towards ourselves? Wouldn't that be something if we could offer a little more space, a little more openness of our own hearts and our own arms towards our own selves? Smile wide and say, “Get bigger, get brighter! I want to know all of you!”

Well, that might change the world, don't you think?

I'm Jenn, and I'm a professional actor and a coach for women who are ready to open up space for their own selves to untuck, get big, get bright, and get on the heart path that is calling them home.

Hey, I have a few spots left for my upcoming seven week journey for women. It's called Embrace: How to Create Space for You. Now that I think about it, maybe I'll change it to Embrace: Get Big, Come Home. This workshop is max eight women, so if you're thinking of joining, jump in.

Get out there and shine, people. Get bigger. Get brighter.