January 26, 2023 5 min 50 sec read/listen

Self-Compassion is not a go-to for most of us.

This is what I want to talk about today because I have heard so many women, men, people, speaking about how hard it is to just ease up on ourselves, to be on our own side. Sure, we can dive into all the reasons and the societal and familial messages that have and continue to contribute to this struggle for self-compassion, but here's what I want to say, again:

Self-compassion is not a go-to for most of us.

It wasn't for me for decades. I did not like myself because…because…because isn't the story I'm telling. Only that I too struggled with this seemingly impossible way of being with myself.

It wasn't a go-to for a private coaching client of mine who told me this was the most compassionate she has ever been with herself in her whole life. And she never believed it was possible.

It wasn't a go-to for a friend of mine who is so hard on herself. And while she knows, in her conscious-smarty-thinking mind, that compassion is important, she just didn't have time to figure it out. Until she did. It's not a go-to - it rarely is.

Maybe that helps to hear that. Maybe you don't feel quite so alone, to know that so many of us don't have that in our back pocket as a go-to. Maybe now, with a whole new generation of kids being raised to believe in themselves - oh, that makes me so happy. But if you're like me, it just wasn't part of the equation when it came to being with ourselves. Nor was it for my parents, and probably yours too, nor their parents, and so on, and so on, and so on.

Here's what's incredible, though, we can actually break that generational cycle; we can start with ourselves. We have to start with ourselves, or at least change the direction a little bit towards ourselves. One thing is for sure; we seem to be able to access compassion for others much more readily than for ourselves, so let's turn that around.

But why? Why bother?

Because if you don't matter to yourself, if I don't matter to myself, if we can't soften in our own words, thoughts and actions towards ourselves, we keep the cycles going. And I really don't believe we are here to harm or loathe ourselves, I really don't. Self Compassion is, from what I've gathered personally and with others, a learned practice. And I love the word practice because it takes the pressure and the ridiculous expectation of perfection off of us. We all know we could use more of that.

Hey, if you're like me at all, and you have had to learn to like and maybe love yourself, understand yourself, get to really know who you are and what you value and what you want for your life, and what you stand for, it's going to require compassion. It's going to be a practice because you will fall and so you'll get up, if you choose, and try again. A living practice, I call it, and before that, it is a choice. I mean, you don't have to have compassion for yourself. No one is pushing you against a wall and getting all up in your face saying “you better love yourself or else.”

Nope, it's a choice, a powerful and very personal one. And it's all ours. And before it's a choice, it requires taking an honest look at how we treat ourselves, how we speak to ourselves, and how we are towards ourselves.

Am I kind toward myself when I fail? When my goals aren’t quite there yet?

Do I hear my voice sounding a lot like the berating voice of someone from my distant past?

Am I patient when the old patterns of reactivity and old crappy self-beliefs rear themselves right in the middle of my day?

Am I gentle toward myself when I don't meet my own expectations?

Can I forgive my trips and falls, my imperfect humanness?

Can I soften just a little with myself?

Can I pause, take a breath and say, “Oh, honey, it's okay. You're okay. I'm here with you.”

Self Compassion is a choice to love, and I'll be damned if I didn't go on a great big, long and sometimes painfully arduous journey of my own to not share and advocate for more love for ourselves. Because I'm quite serious when I say if we can hold a little more love for ourselves, we can hold a lot more for others. It's moment by moment, thought by thought, choice by choice. It is, as far as I see, an intentional living practice of turning again and again toward our tender, resilient, wounded, gorgeous hearts over turning against them, and it is the very practice that heals.

What, my friends, is getting in the way of you choosing self-compassion as a practice?

This is why I created “Embrace; How to Create Space for You”.

This is a seven-week journey for eight women to help recalibrate and do a little course correction when it comes to making time and creating space for you to connect with you. Self-compassion is a big part of that. I will show you how to reach in and access what is already in you. You just lost sight of it., that’s all.

Easy, honey. It's okay. You're okay. If you’d like to join a small community of women and me on the same path, the link is here.

If Embrace is not for you, I invite you to see where you can call in moments with yourself to offer compassion in your days.

I mean, hey, a practice has to start somewhere, right?

I'm Jenn, and this is my Jennuine Thoughts blog. I'm a professional actor, writer, creator and self-love coach. You can bet that that includes compassion for ourselves.

It's right there waiting for us to come home.